Valentine’s Day is fast approaching which means love and those fat, flying babies are in the air. Blogasaurus here to guide you through the gift selection process. The following is a list of gifts and what they mean so you can send the right message to your sweetie.
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“We are waiting for marriage to have sex”
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“You are the only girl for me. I mean that literally, no one else would date me. Please marry me, my mother wants grandchildren”
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“This economy has been a bear, we need to cut down on costs and save money. Starting with underwear”
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“I’m gay, this bag is for me” (for gay men in hetero relationship)
“I’m straight, this bag is for me” (for ‘bisexual’ women in lesbian relationship)
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“I’m lonely”
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“Look how clever I am. But seriously, if you wanted to get together sometime…”
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“I’m sick of seeing your pasty ass through your so-called ‘underwear’”
CD: Ok, we need a Superbowl ad—everyone knows that guys watch football, women don’t, and women are always interrupting the big game. This TV spot should talk about what a pain these dames are and what we have to put up with.
Account Manager: Isn’t 50% of the Superbowl audience female?
CD: Yeah, and they won’t stop yacking like they’re at the beauty salon. Speaking of which, I have a great idea for the TV spot! Picture this, guy is with girlfriend and she is ruining the game for him and/or bossing him around. He takes it all in silence whilst secretly despising her…
(rinse, wash, repeat)
See:
• Dodge Charger ‘Man’s Last Stand’
• Bridgestone ‘Your Tires or Your Life’
• Bud Light ‘Book Club’
CD: Remember that Budweiser ad with the “Wazzzup guys” and they would yell “Wazzzup” into their phones at each other, tongues hanging out?
Client: Yes, it was pretty popular a few years ago.
CD: Well, we are going to take that script and stage directions and use them pretty much verbatim. But here’s the twist, we replace every instance of Budweiser and “Wazzzup” with Steak ‘em Up.
Last night, I come home with litter for the little beasts and a tuna sandwich for myself. I had to go to the bathroom, so I put down the bag of litter and my purse, which contained the tuna sandwich. I came out maybe a minute later, tops. You know what I come out to? The cats have not only rummaged through my purse, but also helped themselves to my sandwich and ate half of it. Half a sandwich in about a minute. I grabbed the other half out of their fat mouths and locked myself in the bathroom to eat the rest.
Creative Director (CD): Ok, we need to sell the “BK Super Seven Incher”. Hm, seven inches…seems small.
Art Director (AD): That’s what she said!
CD: HA! Ok guys, seriously now, the target demographic is males 18-35. Next to red meat, what do guys this age love best?
AD: Blowjobs!
CD: Exactly! But, how do we do an ad that implies “blowjob” in a tasteful and subtle way?
Writer: Well, we could have a picture of a young lady with her mouth open and the sandwich is on the other side and she’s about to put it in her mouth. If you know what I mean *wink* *wink*. And, of course, the copy will contain the word “blow”. It’s the perfect metaphor and deliciously subtle.
CD: I like it, but we don’t want to alienate the female demographic…let’s have the girl get made up to look like a sex doll. That way, if some broads complain, we can say, “What’s the big deal? It’s a doll, and do you hear any dolls complaining about objectification?”
Q: Blogasaurus, do you have a Valentine this year? If not, will you be mine? - Desperate
A: Hey there Desperate, I usually don’t like tying myself down to one person and that goes double for Valentine’s Day. Being a dino on the move means that I will drop you like a bad habit when it becomes necessary and I don’t like being a heartbreaker.
However, since you asked so nice, Desperate, I’ll do you a favor. To make you look good, I will tell your friends that you are my Valentine. Just have them send me a self-addressed, stamped envelope and I will send them a notified letter stating that you are indeed my Valentine. I cannot promise personalized letters though, I’m a busy dino.
“Only players that are natural born United States citizens with both parents of Caucasian race are eligible to play in the league,” says new “All-American” basketball league. Because of these requirements, the league has faced many challenges, including the difficulty of trying to play basketball while wearing their robes and hoods.
The league is expected to do well in towns down south that have yet to learn about the Internet. Planned team names include: Richmond Racists, Kingsley Krackers, Atlanta Grand Wizards, and Kentucky Konfederates.
Hey there, Blogasaurus here to talk about work-appropriate behavior. I’ve been called many things in my day with “wildly inappropriate” being chief among them. When you’re a dino on the move you have to take some risks. Therefore, I’m just as surprised as you that I still retain employment.
Here’s a sample list of risks I’ve taken at work:
threatening to take my pants off to HR
using “company resources” (email system) to invite people to happy hour using the phrase “pants-shitting drunk” (which was not appreciated by all)
looking at hilarious web sites and “cackling like an animal”, disrupting my co-workers
using company resources and time to pull office pranks
eating every bit of free food in sight and knocking people out of the way to get to it
watching questionable shows online (even after that sexual harassment class)
You see boys and girls, despite this, I still have a job which means I got what it takes. So, remember, don’t do any of this at work unless you have some dino-style pizzazz. Unless, of course, you want to get your ass canned.
I just don’t get what all this boo-hoo is about with processed foods. You don’t like it, you get out there and get your own meat. I mean, just look at me, no matter where I’m going, if I see some fresh roadkill on the side, I’m taking it. And no need to worry about an inhumane death—smash, boom, dead, end of story, get down my gullet.
And with the canned vegetables and whatnot, of course they aren’t going to be as good for you. They are in a freakin’ can. Get up off your couch and go shopping in your neighbors garden or the nearest farm. Problem solved.
Oh, and you “I eat my feelings” people eating all those delicious, delicious corn chips, McDonald’s burgers, and horse tacos–stop it. And quit suing fast food chains, you’re clogging up the legal system. No advertising is that good.
Facebook–the “social media” that can make or break you. In the right hands, Facebook can be a means to your ends. In stupid hands…well, you’ll just keep on being stupid, but on a grander scale. So think before you post. Unless you’re stupid, you guys just go nuts and take pride in the fact that your failures are lessons to us all.
Here is a list of what Facebook excels at:
posting passive-aggressive statuses in hopes the intended target sees them
posting photos of you at your best or posting details of your current success (you’ll show that place that fired you or those f*cks from highschool with their 10 kids and Dairy Queen jobs)
you’ll also show that ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend what they’re missing out on
posting every excruciating minute of your dull-as-rocks lives (looking at you, ladies)
jokes…or attempts at them. Just like this blog!
Now, here is where Facebook does more harm than good:
you may get fired for spending far too much time on Facebook stalking people or playing the games
when applying for a new job, your potential employer will see all of the indiscretions you’ve posted on Facebook (so everyone can see how much fun you are). You do not get a call back.
everyone from your past you’ve worked so hard to avoid can easily find you
you see all the passive-aggressive status messages that are aimed at you
With big stompers like mine, I’d be stupid not to use them and make some dough. That’s why I’ve decided to go into wine making. So, next time you’re looking to catch a load, try a nice glass of of my classy wine. Made with grapes smooshed by the finest feet this side of the Mason-Dixon line–mine!
Posted by jdalessa 
