Coming soon…

The 9 circles of Internet hell. Put your (least) favorite site in their proper place.

1000 Monkeys

My brain is like 1000 monkeys on 1000 typewriters. Something intelligible is bound to come of it, but 99% of the output is garbled letters and feces.

Birth or Not

Birthornot.com is a blog started by Apple Valley couple Pete and Alisha Arnold where readers “can vote and choose whether [they] abort or keep [their] unborn child.”

Since September, the couple has been posting updates including health status, ultrasound pictures, and video. The main feature though is the poll at the top of the page asking “Should We Give Birth or Have an Abortion?” As of now, “Give Birth” has 46.51% of the vote and “Have an Abortion” has 53.49%.

Pete and Alisha, you trolling…she’s a terrible. It’s probably one of the most poorly executed hoaxes I’ve seen in a while. The premise itself isn’t bad and with a competent writer could have been a great satirical commentary, but alas, it was not.

How they blew it:

• poor planning- domain name was purchased 2 months prior to “pregnancy” and the storyline in general looks like they slapped it together one day on a whiskey-fueled, church picnic for funsies
• terrible writing/storytelling- they never get into character, the stuff they say is completely unbelievable, it lacks subtlety
• reaction to commentary- the tactless way they responded to comments and criticism made it painfully obvious they have a hidden agenda. Their trolling talent matches that of conservative assmop, James O’Keefe. Trolling ain’t easy, it requires subtlety and finesse. You can’t dress like a clown and expect to be taken seriously
• Google AdSense- all ads are of the pro-life persuasion
• Baby Wiggles nickname- sounds like a child’s doll. “Hey kids, here comes Special Needs Baby Wiggles!” 

All in all, I give this effort ½ trollz out of 4. Troll harder next time.

Twitter- BirthOrNot_

7 Reasons BirthorNot.com is Fake

David Bruce McMahan had sex with his daughter, you say?

 

source: Village Voice Blogs

 

And married her too? David Bruce McMahan AKA D. Bruce McMahan AKA David B. McMahan had an incestuous relationship with his daughter, then tried to cover it up with his hedge-fund money? That is just awful. That’s right an awful, awful good story to read. Tell your friends!

Village Voice: Memo to Bruce McMahan, Daughter-Seducer

Reddit: rich guy has an affair with daughter. gets called out.

Now all I need is a cheap lawyer…

As some of you are aware, I want to get my Will made up leaving everything to my brothers and sister on the condition they stay the night in a haunted house. I needed some lawyerly advice and sought it online, the response:

A Haunted House Clause wouldn’t be enforceable only because we can’t defined “haunted,” but yeah, talk to a cheap lawyer, and tell them to put the following language immediately after the distribution paragraph in your will:

“Notwithstanding, my executor shall not make any distributions of my estate to any of the above-named beneficiaries without each respective beneficiary spending a period of twelve (12) consecutive hours, beginning no earlier than 5:00pm of the time zone where present, and no later than 7:00pm of the same time zone, in an abandoned amusement park, mental hospital, prison, or house, known, or reasonably believed to be haunted or otherwise susceptible to the presence of ghosts, ghouls, goblins, spirits, phantasms, or other metaphysical or supernatural beings. Note that the presence of these beings shall be, in the fair and reasonable discretion of the executor, confrontational, haunting, or otherwise aggressive. The executor and any and all representatives of the estate claim no liability or responsibility for the mental, emotional, or physical safety of such beneficiary. And upon such twelve-hour time period as mentioned above lapsing, the executor shall, without delay, distribute that beneficiaries share of the estate.”

BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO – m4m

I’m a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the “Beat It” video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity.Requirements:
-access to an abandoned warehouse
-old enough/built kinda awesome
-maintains good eye contact
-general intensity
-cool moves
-shades
-leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back – long story, I can tell you when we finish)
-Bedazzler
-basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me)
-can lift 80 lbs
-bachelor’s in something or equivalent experience
-not a narc

Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I’m a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play “Beat It” over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you’re the heter-bro I’m looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I’ve got laser tag too. I’m pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I’M NOT GAY.

P.S. – And I’ve gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

“They told him don’t you ever come around here
Don’t wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire’s in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it”

• Location: Philly
• it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Sources: Craigslist, Reddit

Google Fail: will it fit where!?

And what exactly is going in there…

Lunch-time rage at work

Looking for a new job?

Aren’t we all? Don’t let your current job abuse you just because the economy is in the crapper. As I’ve once been told by a wise man, “Telling someone they are lucky they even have a job is like telling a battered wife she’s lucky she’s even married.” It’s time to move on and these training videos can help you on your journey to a satisfying life.

Wendy’s

Whether you want to work at Wendy’s or are looking to get a jumpstart on your career making rap training videos for fast-food conglomerates, this is the video for you.

Nintendo Customer Service

Pro tip: If customer is satisfied with your service, it is customary for them to offer pie. Please accept this offer as to not appear rude. A simple, “Why yes, yes you can bring me a pie later,” will suffice.

Pizza Hut

Expert advice on customer service and multi-tasking on busy shifts.

Ames

Ames seems like a great place to work if you are sleeping with your manager. He drives you right to the front door and everyone kisses your ass.

Bank Training

In case you find a time machine, go back to 1974, and want to work in a bank to stay afloat as you can’t use any of the future money in your pocket.

American Journalism in 3 Easy Steps

Cat food self-feeder

The cats have one those self-feeders for the dry food. It’s pretty late and Hobbes was snacking on some food. So I say to him, “Hobbes, do you really need that right now?” He didn’t even look at me and was like, “I need this just about as much as you need that egg salad sandwich you’re making for yourself.”

Well played you little bastard, well played.

Oh lordy loo

Malodrax…

And this

Damn…

Found in bathroom at PHX Sky Harbor International

Source: Reddit

Are you there Ra? It’s me, Tutankhamun.

Stay green, Ponyboy, stay green

When I spill stuff on my desk and don’t have napkins, I just put paper on it. The spill eventually dries up, but sometimes leaves a sticky residue. I use old printouts as placemats so my arms don’t stick to the desk. This is how I stay “green” as well as stay a good corporate citizen.

You’re welcome Earth.